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DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over.
“Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of completely deluding ourselves into thinking that this pandemic has somehow stopped spreading and that we’re safe,” said Johnson in a press conference, in which he applauded the city for bringing them to this stage by successfully disregarding the virus in previous phases. “In order for this to be effective, however, we’re instituting guidelines requiring all residents to convince themselves that they can no longer contract or spread this disease, and that despite virtually no changes in the situation, we will no longer need to use hand sanitizers or observe social distancing.
Phase 4 will also need all of you to start going into restaurants and stores without masks and pretending that this is endangering absolutely no one. Thank you all.” At press time, Johnson added that he hoped successful observance of protocols would allow the city to soon move into the outright panic and citywide devastation that would characterize Phase 5.